A to Z Challenge: G is for Guano (profanity warning!) #atozchallenge

Ever feel like you're being shit on... literally?

I went home for "lunch" the other day (lunch break, for me, is 4 pm -- I start my shift at noon).  Our maintenance guy was there, working on something outside.

I wanted the house to myself, but nope, that wasn't going to happen.

I decided this was a bad idea... I know, I'll go to WalMart!

When I go to WalMart, I always park far away so that my car doesn't get dinged, and  I can walk and enjoy the weather, burn some calories and get some movement.  The place is huge.

I did my shopping, and walked back to the car.

I got back to my car and noticed some bird shit on the driver's side rear door.  No big deal.  I got in the car, put the key in the ignition, and looked out the windshield.  I couldn't see anything.  There was so much bird shit, it was as if someone had poured a bucket of white paint all over my car!   It was revolting.

We live about 150 miles inland from the ocean.  Seagulls gather in shopping plaza parking lots here.  I see the gulls, and they have something, and they're dive-bombing my car!  They drop a piece of whatever it is on my car.  It's a chicken bone.  Why were these gulls eating CHICKEN?  Are they cannibals?!!

I start to open the door, to get out to pluck the bone off my car and toss it away.  But then I noticed, there are 30 or more gulls, and they are fighting over the food!!!  Hitchcock movie!  If I had gotten out of the car, they probably would've pecked my eyes out.

This is a picture I took of a gull, on Cape Cod, where they belong!

I started the car and drove to the car wash, which is about five miles down Route 9, the main thoroughfare in this hick town.  It's 5 p.m. rush hour, I realize, and there will be tons of people downtown, and lots of traffic.  I don't want to be seen with a thousand pounds of guano on my car, so I take the back roads.  It takes me around 20 minutes to get to the car wash -- normally a five minute drive.

I put my credit card into the hand-washing sprayer machine, and start it up.  I spray off all the guano, and then I start trying to aim at the chicken bones which are lining the area where the windshield wipers reside. As I start spraying, I realize it's not just a couple of chicken bones... it's an entire Chinese dinner! It was disgusting!  The more I aimed the forceful stream of water at it, the worse it got -- the food went inside my engine!

I had to open the hood, and pick out all the food with my hands!  It was frigging GROSS.  Ewwww.  I ended up using the sleeve of my jacket.  My coat had "flavored sauce" all over the sleeve after that.  I took it off and threw it in the back of the car, but I could still smell it, for hours!

I never did end up eating "lunch" that day; and I got back to work at 6:30, coatless!!  I washed my hands 50 times.

When I got home that night, I washed my coat.

I think it'll be a long time before I go to WalMart again.  Maybe never.


  1. Grooooooooooooooooooooss. Once a seagull crapped on my back. I thought my nephew had thrown a stone at me. I live by the sea though, so this is normal. My wife and my friend met each other when my wife saved my friend from a seagull attacking her for a sandwich.

    scruffy-duck.net // Welsh Bloggers

    1. LOL!! OMG both of those are very funny stories, too!!

  2. I wrote about Hitchcock for my first A to Z post. The Birds is a great movie, and thankfully Sir Alfred didn't show all the bird poop that would have rained down on his characters in that situation. My best friend got poop-bombed by a bird when we were kids. It was a bummer.

    1. Hitchcock is my fave, and one reason is his "use your imagination" technique, instead of throwing all that blood and guts (and guano) in the viewer's face. A class act. I am happy I was inside the protection of a car, although I remember Tippi Hedren in that one scene.... !!


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